I’m puzzling today over what to write about. Otherwise it seems a perfect day to write, cold and in that space between rain and snow outside, not a whole lot that I need to do. It’s a day for just lazing under the blankets and writing something brilliant, except that there isn’t much brilliant coming to mind.

I’m wondering why my brain is so empty and is it a good thing? Is it part of the process of healing and getting back on track?

I gave up cane sugar about a decade ago on the advice of a functional medicine practitioner that I was working with at the time. I was hoping that it would end my seizures. It didn’t. But, it did make huge improvements to my health. I went from being obese, feeling old, huffing and puffing everywhere, and just generally feeling down, sick, and unhappy with myself to losing losing over fifty pounds and finding health again.

After a few years, I began work with my neurologist and a dietician to try a low-glycemic diet very similar to the keto diet. I lost a few more pounds and my health continued to improve, but I’m not sure that it made my seizures any better, but with all the dietary changes the seizures weren’t getting worse and that was a big plus.

Last fall, I decided that the low glycemic diet was more restrictive than I wanted. I told myself that I just wanted to be able to have more fruits and maybe, on rare occassion, be able to treat myself to a slice of pizza. Not an everyday thing, just a rare treat, not a big deal I told myself and my neurology team. It was a good time to end the diet. I was seeing the benefits of a new seizure medication and my vagus nerve stimulator continued to help slow my seizures as well. I was having fewer seizures than I’d had ever since my diagnosis over a dozen years earlier.

Right after going off the low glycemic diet I was at a conference dinner. Going through the buffet line I still tried to keep my carb levels in mind, but let myself add a bit more of anything that drew me. Then, there on the dessert table, I saw that macademia nut cookie. I used to love those things! This was my chance to enjoy the sweetness I hadn’t had in years. Sure, it was filled with sugar, but hey I could just have this little treat, couldn’t I?

I sat with that cookie like it was some sort of dessert prepared for royalty. I took a bite and the sweetness nearly fractured my brain. It was so intense! This thing that I use to just pop in my mouth and munch away in a moment was now almost too much to handle. Yet, I kept going. Yes, it was clear. Sugar is a drug. I knew it wasn’t good idea, but that taste, I needed that taste that overwhelmed me.

After a few months, I realized the stack of pizza boxes that I was taking to the recycling each week wasn’t “an occassional slice” and that old habits of buying sweet treats, too much pasta, and just eating junk had all snuck their ways back in. I kept telling myself that I would only eat good, quality food and that would be enough to define my diet. Then I found myself eating the cheap, icing laden, grocery store cookies that someone had left on the table in the staff room at work. These weren’t the homemade, organic cookies I’d promised to be the only ones. These were filled with chemicals and essentially made in a lab. It felt like I’d come to the point of taking in sugar like crack. My weight was going up and I was sick. It was time to do something. That’s where we are now.

I’ve been watching videos, joining Facebook support groups, and reading for the past few days to prepare myself. Two days ago I cut out added sugars. Right now, I’m going through the “I’M HUNGRY!” phase, but knowing that I’ve been here before and made it through. I’ll make it through again. I guess that’s what I was supposed to write about today. Are you making a journey like this one too? Please share your thoughts in the comments below. Stay tuned. I will let you know how it goes.