Yesterday was the end. The end of my career as a special education teacher that is. I joined the 50% of special ed teachers who leave within the first five years of working with high needs students. It was a staff only day at school, so Thursday was actually my last day with the kids and yesterday was all about meeting with people who’ll be taking on my caseload, finishing up bits of administrative work, and cleaning out my desk.

Thursday was a great reminder of why I teach. It was that chance to really see each of my kids one last time. Sure, we did our best with our instructional minutes, but somehow those didn’t matter as much as just taking a moment to look at each child, to see their smiles, to reflect on what they’ve learned and how they’ve grown since I’ve known them, and to say our goodbyes.

I worked with kindergarteners and fourth graders this year. Each of my kindergarteners went home with a book that reminded me of them and a little note. Each of my fourth graders left with a “GruntGrunt” and a personal note. Now, what is a GruntGrunt you ask? A GruntGrunt is a magical creature. It’s just a little thing. The ones I made were created from polymer clay. GruntGrunts are carriers of love and calm. You carry your GruntGrunt with you in your pocket or maybe put in a special place. When you feel big feelings it’s there to hold, to listen to you, to help you calm and heal. You just need to keep it healthy by giving it a name and love.

The kids I worked with have a lot of big emotions and have struggled a great deal already in their short lives. I was struck by how the GruntGrunts impacted them. In this super complicated world of so much stuff and intense systems determined to fix kids like this, each child took their little piece of hardened clay and smiled. They immediately held the little beings, gave them names, began to play and talk with them. They understood the magic and it touched them. I can only hope that they keep holding their little friends and let those GruntGrunts do the work of helping them calm and feel connected.

Yesterday, was a mix of feelings. I found myself holding on to my own GruntGrunt in my pocket to keep my balance. Staff days are always rough for teachers in my district. While some of the day is much needed work time, a chunk is typically committed to trainings that leave one banging their heads against the wall wondering, “why do we have to do this? What value is there?” I didn’t have to be in those meetings and trainings. I just met with those I needed to for transitioning and did my work. I watched from my desk as others wore down from dealing with the beauracratic stuff and junk and found myself thinking “this is no longer mine. I am free.”

I did get to hear some of the discussions about schedule changes and how my caseload will be managed. This left me feeling highly thankful for the highly talented co-workers who are stepping in, guilty for being the one that’s doubling their work by walking away to take care of myself, a bit of a momma bear wanting to step in to be sure that my kids are cared for in the best way possible, and saddened by recognizing the reality that they aren’t my kids anymore.

Leaving is a mix. I am free. It was great to not have anything work related to stress about last night. Still, I will truly miss those kids and being part of the school’s staff team too. There are many good people there. I can only hope that Monday brings some great new adventures. I’ll be working as a teacher in early childhood learning. There will be new children that I will love and a new team of co-workers to connect with.

Meanwhile, I left a basket of GruntGrunts on the table in the staff lounge. I can only hope that these magical beings find their way to teachers and students that need them and that my days teaching there made a positive impact in someone’s life. I know that the experience made a positive impact on mine.