Tag: self care

The Changing Self

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All year I’d been doing well with posting weekly, then came this cancer thing. It’s been just over two months since my mastectomy and nearly a month since my last post. I’m now entering what is called the “survivorship phase.” It’s a sort of silly title to me. I’m still waiting for it all to become real in my mind. How can you be surviving something that doesn’t seem quite real?

I thought I was really rocking it, doing great when I walked along with my dog walkers starting the day after I came home from the hospital, did my first post-surgery 5k (at a walking pace) just two weeks later, and started to run again shortly after.

Then I had my first seizure in about four months (a long time for me) and another a few weeks later, started to have major fatigue that left me so exhausted that I could barely walk to the bus stop much less run a mile or more, along with all this I got a bakers cyst in my knee that left me limping and occassionally sent me a shot of pain if I bent wrong or got bumped by one of the toddlers that I work with. Then a dear friend and fellow activist, David Cobb, died.

I’d not seen David in several years. I live in the Midwest and he lived on the West Coast. His passing hit me hard. He’d given so much to the movement, took on so much, did such amazing work. He wasn’t the first fellow activist I’d known who’d died far too young. All held some things in common. They’d pushed too hard, giving their all to making the world a better place. They’d changed the world at the cost of themselves. They were seen by others as strong and sometimes larger than life.

I can see it in myself. I walked a 5k two weeks after surgery. I agreed to sit on the board of WORT 89.9fm just a few weeks before my surgery and, in fact, agreed to be vice-president and to chair the policies and bylaws committee along with being part of the personnel committee and taking on a variety of “fix-it” projects for the station as I began my cancer journey. All of this while going back to work full-time with toddlers! I recognize the need in myself to be strong, to create positive change, to be an activist and leader.

There’s my challenge. My body is saying no. My body is asking, in fact pleading with me, to redefine myself. It is hard for my mind, heart, and maybe even soul to do. Who am I now? How do I create good in the world without destroying myself? I suppose it’s a question that many of us ask ourselves at different points in our lives. For now the answers lead me to writing my blog and rocking babies and letting go of big pieces of my activist life. I was both saddened, relieved, and a bit guilt stricken to leave the WORT 89.9fm board when I realized the impacts it was having on my body. I was, and sometimes still am, angry with myself for not being able to do it all anymore. Still, I am thankful and proud to recognize this in myself before it’s too late too. Becoming a new self is a complicated journey. I welcome your insights on how you are redeveloping yourselves and how this process has helped you become the you for this time in life.

The New Year Update– Spring Edition

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In some ways January 1st seems so long ago. But, here in west central Minnesota I can just look out the window and it seems like only yesterday. We’re still knee deep in snow with the promise of a really exciting blizzard in the upcoming day or so. Right now, it’s in the upper 30’s so the snow is melting and rain is coming down. The streets are running with rivers and many Morris residents are busy moving everything in their basements to higher ground and making sure their sump pumps work. I, meanwhile, am being thankful at being a renter without a basement.

So, where things from that list of lofty goals I made back in January. Well, here’s the update.

  1. Writing at least 50 blog posts– I think I better get to work on this one, but I’m not horribly far off. This is number 6 with just 41 more weeks in the year.
  2. Reading/ listening to 50 books — I’m a little behind on this one too, actually about the same amount as I am with writing my blog. I am six books in right now and working on number seven. I must highly recommend “Becoming” by Michelle Obama. What an incredibly inspiring person. I’d also say read “Driving Miss Norma: One Family’s Journey Saying Yes to Living.” It’s a beautiful tale of life in its final moments. “The Education of Will” was quite good too.
  3. Getting back on track with my healthy eating habits– I’m doing ok here now. I did have a really rough time for a few weeks when the majority of my diet was pizza and burgers. I don’t know how much I got depressed because of what I was eating or how much I was eating so poorly because I was depressed. But, I am doing a lot better now and feeling better too.
  4. Running a 10k or 1/2 marathon (I haven’t decided yet, but I know more than 5k and probably not a full)– I’m not starting running until I don’t have to plow through snow drifts to do it.
  5. learn to play guitar– I found someone who teaches guitar, that’s a start. Right?
  6. finish at least 3 or 4 knitting projects– I’ve got 1 done. I actually switched to crochet, but I’m going to count it.
  7. Get Buddy started with his therapy dog training– We started with dog training. Then it got snowed out so many times that I decided to start again in the next class series. He is learning tricks pretty well. Now, if I could just get him to learn not to chew on his human.
  8. Cutting my screen time significantly, especially facebook time– Not perfect, but doing well here. It helps to have my book reading goal. I can’t read and do Facebook at the same time. Spring will help too. I have a commitment to not looking at social media when I am out walking and I love to get out when the weather is nice.

So, that’s where it’s at. While I’m not quite where I aimed to be at this time, I’m feeling pretty good about what I’ve been able to do and am glad that I set goals this year. What about you? Who else set New Year’s goals and where are you at?

Every week I have my students write down two goals for themselves. One is a project goal to remind themselves about what they want to accomplish on the effort that they are working on with their community partner for the semester. The other, and this is maybe the more radical one for college students, is a self care goal. Most of my students are pretty generic in their self care goals. They want to sleep, to eat vegetables, or to study. But, that’s o.k. It’s makes no difference to me if they have some simple goals or even if those goals stay the same all semester. I just want them to write that self care goal every week for 15 weeks. I want them to leave the program thinking that it’s important to take care of themselves as well as to have a direction in the work they choose.

That’s why I put together my New Year’s goals this year and why I am coming back to them now in March to check in and see how I am doing, because I am important enough to take care of. We all are. I hope that you’re finding a good way to care for yourself today.

Sweet Holidays

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About one and a half years ago I changed my diet. I didn’t go on a diet. In my experience, diets are almost always temporary fixes that don’t lead to long term solutions. I opted instead to change the foods I eat for a lifetime in order to live longer and better with hopes that it would help decrease my seizures and help with the bouts of depression that I’d been facing.

I worked with an old friend who now is a medical professional to test my food allergies. We found nine. Not surprisingly, most were things that I was eating daily, things like potatoes and cane sugar. I was craving these items just like any other addict would crave the substances that harm them. So, my list of harmful substances in hand I cleaned out my kitchen and began again.

It was tough at first, but I began to quickly see the benefits and they kept me going. Over time I lost 50lbs, found greater energy, began to be able to sleep through the night again, felt mentally clearer, and stopped needing to run to the bathroom every two hours. The change of eating habits definitely has helped my life a great deal. It’s hard to say whether it’s cut my seizures or not, but I’m down to about one a year which is much better than bouts of them every few months where I was a few years ago.

Over the holidays I decided to try an experiment to see how my body has healed in the last one and a half years. I decided that while I was visiting family for the week between Christmas and New Year’s that I wouldn’t stick with my healthy food choices. I wouldn’t go overboard, but I would allow myself things like sugary Christmas cookies and cheesy potatoes if I wanted them.

It is amazing to me the impact that food has on our bodies. There were many meals this past week that told me immediately that they weren’t right for me. I wondered how I handled the food roller coaster for the first forty-five years of my life. I’d find myself eating some food that I’d once loved; processed macaroni and cheese, buttered noodles from Noodles and Company, rice crispy bars, all these heavily processed, sugar laden, super carb foods that were one minute tasty on the tongue and the next causing me to say “ugghhh, I should not have done that.” Food should not elicit that kind of response.

Over the week I found that most of my allergens I can live with or without and not care too much, but there is that one demon. Yes, you probably guessed it, sugar. I am only allergic to cane sugar, but just eliminating that from my diet significantly cut my overall sugar use. When I reintroduced it this past week, I suddenly found myself reaching for more and more Christmas cookies even though I knew that within the hour I’d want a nap. Every day I slept for about an hour in the afternoon. Every night I got up at least once. I could see and feel the changes in my complexion and just my body overall even in just nine short days. And, the cravings were amazing. It is a strange thing to find myself thinking about the next cookie or piece of chocolate or whatever.

I am glad that I did the experiment and glad to be home and going back to my normal way of eating. I’ll probably be juice fasting for a few days to rid myself of toxins. Then, I hope I can keep passing all the sugary processed stuff everywhere and get back to being healthy. Wishing you all the best of health in the new year.