Life on My Mind

My dad died exactly a week ago today. Two weeks ago was the 36th anniversary of my mom’s death. Tomorrow, I go into surgery.

No, I’m not concerned for my life. I am looking at my surgery as a step in my mourning process though. They gave me so much giving me life. Getting my VNS implanted now seems the way to say thank you. I have heard so much about the benefits. I am so hopeful for this opportunity to regain the life that was given me.

I can only imagine what might be. Will I be able to focus better? Will I remember more? Will I regain energy? How much will my seizures be reduced? Will I drive again? What dreams might I achieve? Will I act again or maybe go further with my writing? Maybe get back to running or the gym? There are so many options so much to do. So much life to live.

It is a strange thing. The VNS is a small device. I understand that it’s about the size of a half-dollar. It’s like a pacemaker for the brain. That’s what is odd to me. I am only 48. It feels strange to have something implanted in me and to have it compared to a device so often used for the elderly. As a middle-aged unmarried woman with epilepsy, I run a high risk for SUDEP (Sudden Unexpected Death due to Epilepsy). My VNS device might protect me. It also reminds me right now of my mortality. Right now, I am trying to remind myself that someday dying also means right now living and that living is the focus. Dying will take care of itself when it is time. It’s just a whole lot of life on my mind right now.

One thought on “Life on My Mind

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.