Waiting

It’s day two in the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit. My seizure medication was dropped last night from 250 to 100 mg and I was put on sleep deprivation. I went to bed about 3 am and woke up again around 6:30 am. Still, as far as I know, I’ve not had any seizures unless some brief twitches were actually seizures. If they were they lasted only a second or two.

So, here I sit. I’ve got 32 electrodes in my head which is all wrapped in gauze because of my thick hair which makes it more difficult to glue the wires in place. I’ve got a IV in my left hand though it’s not connected to anything. It’s just there in case they need to put in any emergency meds. I’m getting blood drawn daily for research. I get my vitals checked a few times a day and got my first shot of blood thinner this morning just to make sure I don’t get any blood clots while I’m here.

But, here I am watching movies, writing, reading, coloring. Last night I spent several hours untangling an old unfinished crochet project so that I might use the yarn again for a blanket I’m working on. I’ve watched 3 movies (or at least parts of them), all of which I’d seen before, one documentary, and a couple of TV reruns. It’s really kind of amazing how sexist and hetero-sexist the Andy Griffith show was. We all just thought it was sweet and innocent.

It’s not a bad way to spend a couple days. I’m not bored yet though I suspect that my settle in at some point if my seizures don’t come and take over my mind. That’s the challenge or at least one of the challenges. Most of life is hoping there won’t be a seizure or just living in denial of the possibility of seizures. It’s a strange challenge to sit and wait and hope that one will happen, and not just to hope for any seizure but to hope for 2 or 3 that are long enough and powerful enough to give the doctors the information that they need. Seizures aren’t a pleasant thing. Waiting and hoping for a seizure is like saying to a boxer “Hit me! Hit me please! Hit me again!”

Then the other waiting. At some point today, probably yet this morning one of the doctors will stop in again to update me on our progress. I’ve been told that it’s likely that I have seizures that I’m not aware of. Given that my meds have been lowered and I’m short on sleep I am wondering if I have had seizures that I don’t know about. It’s another strange thing to have pieces of your life, even if they are just seconds or minutes that you weren’t there for. What do I do with that time that I never had? I just don’t know.

So, here I am waiting to be punched by the power seizure and to find out if pieces of my life have disappeared. It’s a strange place to be. Meanwhile, I am also getting sleepy again and questioning whether I might find success in a nap.

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